We decided to undertake this journey together. Both feeling neglected by our partners who selfishly watched us die inside. It had been so long since I had felt a live. I mean for the first time in years I could find my own pulse. She had been able to unlock so much inside of me just by letting me talk and rant and rave like a lunatic and without judging. She just listened and the lighter I got the more beautiful her face became. I have never loved anyone in the way that I was beginning to love her.
She was an angel without a doubt and it would be impossible to describe the amount of love and respect we had for one another or how quickly and deeply we were growing together. We had been friends since the age of 14 and now here we were at 31 like Bonnie and Clyde running off into the sunset and into a whole new life together.
Then there was my wife. The poor and once beautiful woman that I had loved for 5 years was starting to feel as though she had lost me. And maybe she had. I wasn’t sure yet about what to think or how to feel. I didn’t want to waste my energy figuring it out either. I just wanted to wake up in the morning with a beer and a joint, a quick stogie and a hot shower.
I had so much love inside of me that I had been forced to hold inside for so long that I knew it was time to stop holding it back anymore and there was enough to go around so it would.
I made that decision long before I would ever did anything about it. But just knowing that I had made my decision made it easier for me to relax. Nothing was going to stress me out like that again.
I was different. I had changed in some way over the last 48 hours and I could never go back to who that person was.
I had always been scared to make a decision because deep down I knew what I would decide. I just didn’t have the courage to admit that things weren’t working and that we needed a break at the very least.
I couldn’t commit to a permanent break because I didn’t want to find out later that I had been wrong. Perhaps I should’ve just jumped off the diving board and gotten inside of the damn pool. Trembling on the high dive isn’t as much fun as swimming in the crystal clear water below and staying in a relationship that is sinking isn’t as much fun as finding yourself again.
I don’t know how I got so lost inside of her and it wasn’t her fault or mine so I didn’t want things to end on a bad note. I did in fact love her and that wasn’t even a question in my mind. But for once I was going to love myself more. I tried to keep it from her because I knew it would devastate her deep down even though she had forgotten how to show me she loved me during the last 5 years, but it was time.
My new partner in crime and I had magically reunited after 12 years but with the busyness of life not truly connected until now. You could say we ended up at the same intersection together on the road of life and found ourselves turning in the same direction and decided to carpool.
I had never been this close to her before. I mean, never in such a way as this, and it made me curious. We began talking about our deepest darkest dreams, thoughts, fantasies, desires, fears, etc. and for the first time I was comfortable and excited, rather than nervous and guarded. For the first time I felt my own pulse throbbing for attention.
I was allowed to be me. I was allowed to be free as this dark brooding boy with sexual fantasies and desires. I was allowed to be a bit of a creep without being made to feel like one. She let me off the hook. I didn’t have to be perfect, or nice, or responsible. I just had to be honest. I can’t explain what was unlocked inside of me the trip we decided to take, but whatever it was, it was great.
Lunch.
I finally got to the place where we were supposed to meet for lunch after running late. I looked at my cellphone. 1:25. Shit! I had a text message from her telling me that she had already left. She hadn’t gotten the text that I was running late until she had already pulled out of the restaurant.
There was a long wait for her to respond for my text telling her I was sorry and that I was determined to see her today. It had taken me 16 years to muster this kind of courage up and I wasn’t stopping now.
I inhaled another slow drag off of this cigarette as I nervously anticipated what she would say. The light flashed and the butterflies danced.
Come to my place. I’ll be waiting for you.
The smile crept onto my face and I was off. I was coming alright.
When I got there, she had a blunt in one hand and a drink in another. “Come in,” she smiled and I knew she would be mine.
When the door shut, I took a quick look around to make sure we were alone before pinning her to the wall. My hands had found her carefully hidden breasts as fast as my lips found hers. Her skin was soft and warm as I made my way down her neck making sure to clear any obstacles such as buttons, zippers, and latches before I got down on my knees. I was going to make sure she was pleased.
16 years of fear vanished as soon as I tasted her salty flesh upon my tongue. I no longer feared what to do, but knew it all too well. I guess it really was like riding a bike.
From the doorway to the hallway, from the living room to the bedroom, she was mine and at last I would give her myself. All of me. I gently sat her on the bed and continued with my “lap session” just long enough to pull Jack out of the box. I felt her tongue search my mouth as if she enjoyed tasting herself as much as I had as I slid my pet out of my pants and inside of her.
We were attached and on our way to becoming one. It was everything I had dreamed and more.
And to think just a few days ago, when I started this journey she thought I was kidding when I told her what I wanted to do to her, with her, for her. Hell, I wasn’t sure if I was or not. I was drunk and it didn’t matter. I would face that question when the alcohol wore off.
To my surprise the shots of liquid courage which had gotten me to pick up the phone had a lasting effect when the buzz was gone because she was all I had been able to think about every moment after. Until today. Now she was more than a thought. She was inside of me as I was inside of her and we were on our way.
That evening when the heavens came back together to deliver us back to reality, I looked at my prize lying next to me and sighed with happiness. This was by far the best day of my life yet and I couldn’t wait to see what else would become of the new me.
