Muse.
To my Muse:
I would love to feel
your nectar flowing below my finger tips
your warm breath
our hot sex
making your body move
to the rhythm on the end of my tongue
like a drum
your clit numb
I won’t stop
even if you think you’re done
I will make you cum
closer to me than ever before,
Take you in my arms & carry you
through to the other side
Never again will you need to hide
I will show you what it means to really be alive
Fuck! I’m out of Ambien. I can’t sleep but don’t have the energy to be awake. I look at the clock which is glaring at me from the other room 1:28am. Great. There’s nothing open except for straight bars & strip clubs. I breath a deep sigh & resolve myself to the strip club despite hoping to actually get some work done.
It’s been three months since my last stroke of inspiration & I’m running out of the cash I’d been able to save during my last job. I’m a poet although I had sold myself into writing journalistic/editorial pieces because they paid better.
I hadn’t been able to write a single word since the article I wrote, about how the pedophile population had surged on the net, dropped. There’s something in my conscious that just wouldn’t let me shake it. This funk had manifested itself in my mind. No matter how many times I showered, the images of grown men abusing children sickened me. I hadn’t slept through an entire night since.
Around the same time my girlfriend left me. She decided to bang some guy while I worked. When I confronted her she flipped out.
I guess she forgot that news hits the lesbian community faster than most. The memo was delivered to my inbox like the Sunday paper to a doorstep. I almost deleted it, thinking the email was just another tidbit of gossip about someone else.
There were so many emotions running through my mind in that moment that all I could do was stare at the screen. She drove a stake into my soul. I had been faithful & given her everything. I guess the signs were mounting but I was so distracted by work that I didn’t realize I had a reason to worry. A year of research had taken its toll on us.
Ugh. 1:37 AM,I need something to take my mind off of these obsessively searing thoughts.
I pulled into the parking lot of the local grab ass & made my way through the half drunk cocks under the street light with my head down.. It’s a brisk fall night so I bundled up. I don’t like letting onto my feminine side because I don’t care for the attention of some guy who thinks that because I have tits that I’m going to spread my legs for him.
I do what I can to remain anonymous as I slip in & out of the crowd quietly. Insomnia has done nothing but cause me more anxiety.
Once I’m inside I smell the alcohol seeping out of pores & riding on the breath of over aged sweaty men & it makes me want to vomit. I get myself to the bar & order two rum & cokes. The bartender working is a part time bouncer. I throw him an extra five bucks for the silent obligation of my request & make my way over to the usual corner.
I’ve got a view of the stage & just enough lighting to write in my notebook that I keep tucked away in my jacket pocket. I begin to doodle when Dakota, a middle aged waitress walks up to me. She has beautiful blue eyes & black curly hair, with just a touch of gray root poking through. Her voice is gruff like she’s been smoking since birth. She asks if I’m alright & I tell her I’d like a double the same way as before & order them to keep coming. She notices the rough night and insists if I want company, to buy a bottle of champagne instead of the Rum & Cokes. She smiles at her own wit & walks away.
A few strokes of my pen later & my drink has been refilled. Although she’s a little old for me, I contemplate the seduction game she’s trying to play. It’s really been too long since I played with anyone other than myself, I think to myself as I watch her walk away. She turns & winks at me before disappearing into the haze of the bar.
I feel this ache in my soul for words & sex; both are equally important to me. The words that do trickle onto the page, just won’t flow like those of yesterday. It used to be easy. To speak in poetry, to breathe in poetry. It was the way that I existed before that bitch cheated on my, & now it’s gone. I had let love evade me by being too infatuated with the lust of my own words, & now I was bitter & alone. I hadn’t even seen daylight since Julia left & I had no intention of doing so anytime soon.
Writing while I was single was much like masturbation; I just needed to keep drilling myself until I hit the right spot. I jotted down a few notes while looking around me in a desperate search for inspiration. This place was crawling with street rats & roaches tonight. The girls on the stage were awkward yet in my alcohol induced haze, appeared somewhat graceful at the same time. I could see their insecurities like banners above their heads as the assholes tried to cop a feel. In that moment I sympathized, knowing that deep down each of these girls had been someones daughter or sister or mother, & it made me wonder how they could put up with such grotesque work night after night.
The waitress & I were warming up to each other as the night & alcohol both wore on me. She told me how she had run away from home in the hopes of becoming someone of importance when she was fifteen. She had found her way into the city with what she thought was her ticket to stardom & taken this job when everything else around her had crumbled. She met a guy who said he was a director that could get her into some big & important film. He told her to show up at his place late one night, & of course she did. 9 months later he was gone & an infant with his eyes had filled his place. She stayed with this job because she had made good money. Now that the kid was in college, she was betting all of her chips on having some big payout rescue her from this less than perfect reality.
At two thirty she told me her shift was up & it was time to either “Fish or cut bait” as they say. I decided to cut bait. She deserved for someone to give her a break, as I could tell that she too was lonely, but I couldn’t do it in this way, so I cashed out my tab & gave her a more than I could afford as a tip.
It was roughly 4 am before I thought about leaving. I still had two hours or so before the sun was to come up & I wanted to be secured back into the cave of my 1 bedroom flat well before it arrived. Maybe I was a vampire in a former life?
I stumbled out to hail a cab & realized I had left my wallet somewhere inside. On my way back in, I noticed a girl in this hot pink & black outfit that happened to be cleaning up my table. She was bent over the table so far that all I could see was her ass & two gorgeous legs that I wanted wrapped around my neck. I tapped her on the shoulder & before I could get a single word out, I felt my stomach drop. Everything around me became silent & still. It was only her & me.
Her green eyes penetrated through my buzz & into my soul. I couldn’t speak. I had forgotten what I went back in there for or who I even was for that matter. The silence seemed to last forever as our eyes met & we searched each other from the inside out.
Finally she spoke first. “Hey Darlin’”. She had the most sugary sweet accent that I had ever heard. It was delicious & instantly I became jealous of the breath she took for having been inside of her.
“I…uhh., Ummm…Uhh…I umm…left my umm…*ahem* wall…wall wallet here,” I finally mustered the courage to say. She smiled at me & pulled my wallet out of the side of her G-string which was neatly hidden underneath her outfit. It was warm as she laid it against the flesh of my palm. Her finger slowly grazed mine as I thought I was going to melt into a puddle. All I could do was stand there. “What’s your name Darlin’?”
“Um. uh. (Shit! What was my name?)…Sam! Yeah, Sam….My name’s Sam I said. She reached out to shake my hand as she was about to introduce herself. Suddenly the announcer broke through the cloud we were standing on with a thunderous boom, “Alright, fella’s let’s hear it for Ivy!”.
“That’s my cue she said!” just before flashing me the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, & with that she was gone. I stood there for a moment, trying to figure out why I felt so weird before remembering that I had feet & that those feet could be used to march myself out of there. There was something about this girl that made me want to run the other way, but then again, there was something about her that mesmerized me. The crowd was suddenly finding their pulses again as I made my way onto the street. There was something about watching her dance that just felt wrong.
Fifteen to twenty minutes later, I found myself on the doorstep of my building red-eyed & exhausted. I felt like I had just had an out of body experience that had sucked all of the life out of me. There was something about her that stuck itself very deeply in my mind & made itself at home. I don’t know what it was, other than her eyes, & that smile. She was beautiful & something about her seemed so free. Her lips were like two cherries that I was ready to pick & suck on. She was seductive, sexual, sensual, & care free all in one breathe. I knew immediately that I needed to know her.
The next afternoon when I awoke, all I could remember from last night were the eyes of someone that had truly taken my breath away.
Those eyes knew things. They had the excitement of someone with a secret about life. The little I remembered seeing of her move was that she had moved with such a graceful playfulness & confidence. The people in my world moved like they were drones either pumped up on steroids or running out of battery power & in need of a serious windup. I don’t even think the sun had energy like she did. Before last night, I was beginning to think that I was the last human who was really alive & even that was becoming questionable these days.
I lit a cigarette & watched the ceiling spin while thinking of Ivy & how her body had moved against that pole.
I imagined her mounting me & pulling me closer to her the way she had done with the pole as her silky skin met mine, & I, with hands cupped against the back of her head, pulling her face closer to mine; licked & kissed my way up her neck. All the way up to those cherry lips. Her hands exploring my body, every morsel & muscle surrendered for her.
The wetness began to flow between my legs & I couldn’t help but to plunge both my mind & body into this fantasy about her & me. I played this little game with myself until I came three times, & with the first smile on my face in three months, I put my face in the pillow & let out a great big moan. I had found euphoria in her eyes.
The rest of that day, I spent writing like a maniac. In between sentences, I was drawing frantically. It’s as if those three orgasms had opened a flood gate for my creativity. I could feel the pulse in my neck against my skin bursting with excitement.
I was more unblocked than I had been in a long time & I knew that I had to go back to the bar.
Later that night I could feel my stomach turning over & over in anticipation. I couldn’t shake that feeling of electricity. It was like being touched by a Goddess or an Angel. There was new life flowing through my veins.
I decided to walk the 30 blocks or so to the bar to calm myself down. Along the way, I kept taking pulls at the pint I had buried in the lining of my jacket. I always had a pint on me. I didn’t use a flask, I just kept them in their original glass bottles. I figured if I ever went anywhere where I would get violated with a security wand it wouldn’t be detected like a flask would. I also liked that if I ever did go into a place that searched me & found it, I wouldn’t mind throwing it away as much as I would my old flask. There’s nothing like that first swallow of Jack though. It felt like someone had just poured gasoline in my tank. I love the way it numbs the throat but wakes the rest of the senses.
By the time I got to the front door of the place, I was only about half way lit. I took a large swig to cap off my bottle before hurling it into the can out front. The way glass sounds when you toss a glass bottle into a steel can as it breaks against other glass bottles does something for me. It’s like a gunshot signaling the start of some race, & believe me my heart was really racing.
I tried to act nonchalant & hide my excitement as I approached the bar. The same bartender was manning the hub of this ship tonight, & lined me up with a couple of my usual rum & cokes. I glanced around casually trying to find my diamond in the rough, but she was no where in site. My table was open though so I threw my jacket on the booth & slid across the leather cotton blend into my corner.
I chugged the first one pretty quick & decided that I better take it slow tonight. I didn’t want to get too drunk before I had a chance to see “Ivy”.
Dakota was making her way over to me slowly. I watched the smile stretch across her face as she noticed me checking her out. She really did have a nice rack for an older lady. The things I could’ve done to her last night, & at her age, she had probably learned a few tricks herself. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I should’ve let the old broad give me a ride last night. It might’ve been fun.
“Didn’t get enough of me last night?” she asked flirtatiously.
“I could never get enough of you sweetheart.” I replied.
“Ready for another round?” she asked.
“Not just yet. I’m working on stamina tonight.” I joked. I guess she couldn’t help but notice as I was looking around her by the stage.
“I’ve seen that look in many a men’s eyes.” she said. “Who is it doll?”
“What?…umm, no it’s no one, err….nothing.”
“Then what? You gotta hot date or somethin’?”
“No, I uhh…I was hoping….Well, there was this girl here last night. I’ve never seen her before. Her name’s Ivy. You know her?”
“Ivy? Ivy? Ohhhh yeah. She’s a sweet kid,” she said. “If you’re looking for her, she ain’t comin in tonight.. She’s got some gig down at a warehouse by the harbor. You heard of that place before?”
My heart sank. I had worked up all that courage to come in & she wasn’t even going to be here. Just as I was resolving myself into a lonely depression, I realized that it wasn’t very far away. I forgot they had moved that spot to a place much closer to my apartment a few months back! “The Warehouse? Isn’t that the place over on 10th?”
“Yeah, they have some kind of thing going on there tonight like a talent show. She plays music or something & told Joe she needed the night off. He doesn’t care too much so long as there is someone workin’ that pole at all times.”
“Listen Dakota, I gotta run, I just remembered that I forgot to turn off my coffee pot at home.” I said. What a lame excuse to get out of there, but I didn’t know if I would make it there on time & didn’t want to waste a single moment. I felt this longing to be next to her. I wanted to hear her music, I wanted to hear her sing. I wanted to hear her breathe in my ear as we made love in every corner of the world.
I handed Dakota a ten for her time & ran out of there quickly. I hopped in the back of the first cab I saw only to find myself sitting next to a couple that was pretty hot & heavy. I asked the driver to get me to the warehouse ASAP & watched the couple next to me out of the corner of my eye.
They seemed really into one another & if I had to pull them out of a lineup I’d had no idea what their faces looked like, but I did see the rest of their anatomy pretty up close & personal.
The driver himself was an old guy who didn’t seem to either notice or care what went on as long as he got paid for his time.
Moments later we pulled up to this run down old warehouse by the water with a line that was wrapped around the building. I paid my cab driver & threw a couple of bucks at the couple to thank them for the show. I don’t even think they noticed I had been back there.
The sign on the door said that the Open Mic had started at 10. It was already 11. Fuck! I hope I didn’t miss her! I saw a kid checking me out while smoking a cigarette near the front of the line, so I strolled up & played the dumb girl while bumming a cigarette. I heard a few girls behind me get annoyed but I didn’t care. I was on a mission. I kept glancing around to see if Ivy was there, but no such luck yet.
When we finally got inside, I told my new friend Chuck that sure he could buy me a drink & that I’d be right back.
I was just turning the corner to hit the bathrooms when I saw her. She was carrying a beat up old guitar case & looking more vulnerable than I had remembered from last night. In fact, she looked like a scared kid as she anxiously waited for her turn to come up.
I decided to wait for the can & take my chance with this beautiful creature. I was just about to approach her when some guy sat down next to her & began chatting. Fuck! I was hoping that she wasn’t some straight heterosexual flake who liked to flirt with women for money, but then again she was a stripper.
I turned to walk away as they announced the next act. Her name was Marissa. She was the girl behind the stripper that just hours ago, I had known by Ivy. Her voice was angelic & beautiful (as if I had expected anything else!). The place faded into silence as she strummed & plucked away at the steel strings on her acoustic guitar. The crowd blurred & I was transported to a place where once again it was only her & me. The stage lights complimented every inch of her body & now more than ever I just wanted to hold her. Caress her. Kiss her.
I stood there for what seemed to be eternity until she hammered out the very last note. I felt it as if it had commanded my soul to linger in the air before dropping me back into reality. I looked around & no one else seemed to have even been paying attention to her. The guy she had been sitting next to clapped for her & then shrugged his shoulders as if to say “I dunno.” She gave him a halfhearted smile & put her head down in disappointment as she made her way off of the stage.
I couldn’t believe that no one had seemed to notice the magic that had just taken place! She was loading her guitar back into it’s hard shell case when the guy she had been talking to walked away. I leaned over her, taking her waste in my hand & whispered in her ear “I thought you were wonderful.”. I felt her stiffen at first, but then whirled around to see who I was. As our eyes met, she smiled a real smile & laid down a thick dose of that sugary sweet accent. “Hey Darlin’” she said & gave me a big hug as if we had been best friends all of our lives.
I wanted to stay attached to her that way forever.
“What are you doin’ here?” she asked in wonderment.
“Well, I like to come down here for inspiration every now & then,” I lied. I had only been to the old location once or twice when my favorite punk band from my high school had announced a surprise gig on their my-face pages.
The place was a trendy little hot spot for teenagers & college kids. Several of the big name bands had been discovered here by record labels so anyone who was anyone wanted to play gigs here. I was pushing 31 & starting to feel more like the creepy old guy in the back of the room & had just decided not to come down this way unless something monumental was going on.
“What about you?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, I came to play my music silly.” She replied.
“No, I mean, what are you doing in a place like this? Your music is too good for this unappreciative crowd of elitists.”
“Aww well, thank you for the kind words but I’m really not that good. No one even seemed to pay me any attention.” She said. “I just go to open mics whenever I get a chance so that I can try to make some extra money. Every now & again I get lucky & win or get offered a paying gig. I’m not from here, so I don’t know many people. It’s tough livin’ in this big city on your own.”
We had strolled outside as we were speaking though I didn’t even notice that we were moving until the cold air hit me in the face. I couldn’t get enough of her. Her energy was amazing & alive. She was a little different here then she was last night. The sexual confidence was gone. She was just a girl now. Not a temptress or some sleazy stripper. She was a real girl with a real soul.
We sat around the parking lot for about an hour talking about everything & anything before she told me she had to go. The guy she had been talking to inside, turned out to be her gay neighbor Kevin who was an aspiring comedian & more or less her only friend.
She & I had a connection. I felt it in every word we had spoken. Before she got in Kevin’s rundown 85 Dodge Caravan, I gave her my number & told her to call if she ever needed anything. I told her “You can never have enough friends in an unforgiving city like this one, & I’m always around.” She thanked me & they pulled away.
I let out a huge sigh that I didn’t know I was holding onto. I think I had forgotten to breathe the entire time she was next to me. It had been hard enough to keep my feet in the ground & my head out of the clouds when she was around.
I spent the next 4 or 5 days writing, painting, creating with such a feverish passion that I had forgotten to eat. I felt no stress, just this desire to express myself & my gratitude for this beautiful girl being handed to me like a gift from the angels themselves. I couldn’t get her voice or face out of my mind. I didn’t go to the club for a few days because I didn’t want her to think I was some kind of stalker & I didn’t want to seem as obsessed as I really was. I had had just enough of a dose to be able to write again. I sent my agent 2 new stories, both based off of her, one of which was chosen for an anthology. The other was going into a literary magazine. I also managed to sell a rather large painting to a gallery that day & decided it had been long enough! I was going to ask my savior to help me celebrate!
Dakota was out sick & Joe at the bar said that Ivy would be in a little later. She had picked up an extra shift to fill in for Dakota. I bought us each a shot before ordering two more drinks & making my way over to my usual spot.
I was there for an hour before she arrived. Something was different though. She just didn’t have her usual “buzz” of energy going on. She seemed distracted & clumsy when she came to my table. She was removed at first which disappointed me. I felt myself questioning the encounter we had had that night at the Warehouse.
When she returned with my Rum & Coke, I asked her if everything was ok.
She let out a sigh & asked if she could sit down for a minute. I slid over to make room for her & saw Joe looking our way. She looked as if she was ready to cry. She told me that she had tried really hard to make it in this city on her own, but didn’t know how much longer she could last. Her money was running out despite working six nights a week here & 5 days a week at another job she had. She said she was thinking about throwing in the towel & heading home.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t imagine my world without her in it, even though we barely knew each other.
“You can’t go!” I protested. “You are just what this city needs! You’re….you’re…” words were escaping me again. “You’re like a breath of fresh air!” I finally spit out.
Her face changed to a slight smile. “You’re too kind” she said.
“No I mean it! You inspire me! I mean, because of you, I’ve actually been able to create again!” I said. “You’re like a Muse, well you’re my Muse anyway”
“Thank you darlin’” She said with a smile. “I’d better get up & do something before Joe throws me out on my ass.” she said.
She walked away & I let the words of our conversation mull around in my mind. There had to be some way to stop her from leaving.
About fifteen minutes later, she returned with the same gloominess hanging over her head. I hated seeing her this way.
“Hey,” I said before she could walk away again. “I’ve got an idea.”
Her eyes glimmered with a twinge of hope as I told her that I had an extra room at my place & that if she would help me as my personal assistant, that she could live with me rent free.
It was a bold move & although I would’ve shattered into a million pieces if she would’ve said no, I felt it was better than losing her forever.
“You’re so nice.”, she said. “I couldn’t possibly…I mean, really? Nothing?” The thought seemed to perplex her. “What would you need me to do??”
“Nothing, much really. Seriously, nothing much at all. You just have this amazing energy that makes me feel alive & trust me, my cave could use some livening up! Like you could just help me around my apartment, maybe organize some of my papers & type a few things up every now & again. We can even play music together & I’d let you use some of my studio space.”
We sat there, still while we both thought about the idea. I hadn’t thought about her actually living with me before now & she didn’t know me enough yet to know if I was trust worthy.
“Let me think about it for a day or two ok darlin’?” She asked.
I told her she didn’t need to rush but if she wanted in, I’d even help her move her things.
I felt like I was on cloud 9 walking home. The idea of having my muse, by my side twenty four hours a day, seven days a week made me optimistic. I hadn’t even thought of her as my muse before tonight, but that’s exactly what she was becoming. She was a gift from the Gods to help me create. I needed her like a fish needed water & whatever I could do to keep her in this city, I was going to do.
Two days later, while reading part of Charles Bukowski’s Notes of a Dirty Old Man for what was probably the 52nd time in my life, I managed to doze off a little earlier than normal. Around 3am my phone rang & scared the living shit out of me.
With my heart pounding almost out of my chest, I answered it.
“Hello?” I asked impatiently.
“Um. Sam?” said a familiar voice
“Yes. Who’s this?” I almost demanded to know.
“Oh. I’m sorry did I wake you up?” The guilt laden voice asked sheepishly. My sleep induced haze was beginning to wear off as the voice on the end became clearer.
“Ivy? I mean, Marissa?” I asked.
“Yes Sam, it’s me. I’m really sorry if I woke you up. I just had to call you. Is your offer still available for me to stay with you? I just quit that sleazy club because some guy tried to go too far with me. When I turned him down he complained to Joe that I wasn’t friendly enough. I just got home & there’s an eviction notice on my door. I really don’t want to leave this city but I just can’t seem to make it on my own.” She was nervous & sounded a bit frantic. It amazed me at how easily I had forgotten the intrusion on my sleep as I listened to her. Normally I would’ve yelled & screamed & then thrown the phone across the room for having been woken me up. I had a hard enough time sleeping so when I was woken up it drove me crazy. This was my Muse though. Calling me!
I didn’t know which made me more nervous, her or the excitement I felt when I was near her or thought of her. She was probably straight & here I was roughly 10 years older than her & feeling as giddy as a kid in Middle School. Was I going crazy or what?
“Are you still there?” her voice cut through my thoughts like a knife & made me realize that I had just drifted off into my own mind.
“Yes, I’m here. Don’t worry, the uh, position is still available. The room is yours if you’d like it & you can move in anytime.” I reassured her.
She let out a big sigh of relief before thanking me repeatedly. She assured me several times that I wouldn’t be disappointed & that she would make sure that she was at my beck & call.
I asked her where she was at & if she was ok for tonight or if she’d like me to meet her somewhere.
“No Sam, you get your rest. I’ve already bothered you enough. I don’t want to be a burden on you.”
“Look Marissa, if you’re going to come & stay here you need to know something about me. I don’t let people into my world that easily & you’re already in. I care a lot about the people that I let in. So, you don’t have to worry about bothering me. I want you to feel like you can ask me for help if you need it, so if you need to come tonight you can. Although we’re going to be roommates & I will technically be your employer, I would also really like it if we could be friends & get to know each other even better. I know a lot of people in this city & I may be able to help you with your career, but they’re all business & acquaintances ya know? I don’t have a whole lot of actual ‘friends’” I confessed.
“Wow, well that would be great Sam. I would really like that. So, how soon can I come over?” She asked. I could hear her relax & imagined the smile that was on her beautiful face.
My place was a bit wrecked from my sudden fortune of mania & creativity that had been flowing through my mind. I was a little embarrassed for her to come right now, but if we were going to live together she’d find out sooner or later that I was an artist & not a house keeper.
I gave her my address & told her I’d meet her outside.
Several minutes later I was rushing about frantically trying to pick up dirty clothes & empty beer cans from about the floor when I heard the squeak of breaks outside.
I looked out & noticed a yellow cab pull up like a chariot to deliver my princess. I had to stop being so damned smitten & toughen up though. What could this girl possibly find interesting about an old butch poet when she was so young & innocent. Her femininity flowed with complexity. She was the most beautiful flower just waiting to be picked.
I let out a sigh before lighting up one of my Kool Mild’s & made my way down the two or three flights of stairs in a hurry. When I got outside into the brisk night, I noticed Marissa had already brought some of her belongings in big black trash bags.
“Hi Sam!” She exclaimed. “I really hope you don’t mind but since you said on the phone that I could move in whenever I wanted, I just went ahead & brought some of my things.”
“No problem Iv…um Marissa.” I hated calling her Ivy because that was her “stripper name”. She wasn’t a stripper anymore & I had never really seen her that way anyway. I didn’t know how she felt about either name, but it just seemed right to call her Marissa.
I grabbed one of her over sized bags & paid the cabby despite her protests for help, as we made our way up to my place. As soon as I managed to get the door open she gushed with delight.
“Wow. This is such a great place! There’s so much art in here! It’s so, cool!…” She said.
I put her stuff inside of the 2nd room that I had intended as my office/studio, it never materialized though because every time I would start to work, I would end up in the living room anyway, so I just surrendered myself to the living room.
“Do you have any furniture that we need to put in here?” I asked.
“No, my place was furnished when I moved in.”
“Thank God!” I thought. When I had gotten this idea for Marissa to move in, I hadn’t thought everything through & since I had only half believed that she actually would, I didn’t make any real preparations.
But she was here now & I don’t think either of us realized how much our lives were about to change.
We spent the next six months or so getting to know each other. The more I got to know, the deeper in love I fell. I was writing or painting almost daily & on days that I was just too exhausted to do either, we would take walks in the park.
“Mary” as she liked to be called, helped me so much around the house. She did all of the things that I was too scatterbrained to do on my own. It was like having a girlfriend without the sex or physical intimacy. I missed that part of life but this would do for now anyway.
Mary had been working extremely hard on perfecting her own craft & would sit nearby & play her guitar softly in the corner while I worked & painted. We had a wonderful relationship & understanding of each other which had quickly led to us becoming each other’s everything.
It was so easy to forget that she was really my employee & that she might not have the same interest in me as I had had in her. If she had, she really didn’t do anything to show me. I refrained from making advances as much as I could because I didn’t want to upset the balance of what we had going on. I painted pictures of her as Venus & romanticized about our bodies intertwining all of the time. I read a lot of what she wrote, which would often inspire me too. She was a talented song writer who was slowly growing in self-esteem. It seemed that, this girl couldn’t exhale around me without my turning it into art. I tried many times to get her out of my mind in a romantic way, but I loved her. I would feel the warning signs flashing in my mind that sooner or later she would leave & I’d be devastated, but for now it was so great that I just couldn’t help myself.
She told me that she wanted to get married, & live happily ever after one day. She wanted to have children, which as a woman, I knew I could never give her. We had never really discussed her sexuality because when it came up she would often change the subject or jokingly say she was “undecided”. However, my sexuality was a regular topic. She asked me what it felt like for me when I was with a woman, & the usual heterosexual to homosexual questions. , “When did I find out I was a lesbian”, “How did I know?”, “Did I worry about what other people thought?”, “What was it like to come out to family & friends?”. I always hated these questions but would tell myself that God had made me this way & put this person in my life so that I could educate them. It was better than feeling like I was a specimen being studied in some crazy science lab.
Many nights I would stay up late working. My insomnia was no longer from depressive anxiety but from manic creativity. The nightmares were gone though I always felt this nervousness at the idea of her telling me she was leaving.
One night, she came home & announced that she had gotten her first real paying gig at a place down the street that I called the 8-track. It was a small place for undiscovered talent to really get some serious street credit. Some of the greatest names in music had begun there. I had an acquaintance whose son was the bouncer & he had passed along her CD to the owner, but Mary herself had landed the gig on her own. The show was next Saturday night.
“Come on!” She said. “Tonight, I’m taking you out!”. I blushed a little at the thought of us going out for the evening. I thought about it as if we were on some sort of date & then shook my head to dismiss the idea. It was silly & I had to really stop torturing myself.
Mary made me dress up. She said she was tired of seeing me in my artist threads & it was time to do something different & fancy. I wasn’t big on fancy, but managed to find something at least half way decent & even brushed my hair for once.
It had been so long since I had a reason to get dressed up but it was a welcomed change.
We started out the evening in the small bar on the corner. We had a couple of drinks over contemplating where to go for dinner & settled on taking a cab into Chelsey. I had heard of a great restaurant called Blu that I had been meaning to check out & never had the opportunity to.
It had a beautiful rooftop bar with a view of the city. Although it was completely packed, I felt like it was just the two of us. She was breath taking tonight. This was definitely a side of Mary that I hadn’t seen before. She was dressed in this beautiful white little number topped off with a string of faux black pearls. Her lips & cheeks were ever so slightly rosy & I was taken back to the first night that we met. I hadn’t been able to even think straight then over seeing her across a crowded room, & here I was across from her at our table with the same thoughts & feelings. I wanted to pick her up & hoist her onto the bar while kissing her neck & ears, making my way to her mouth & then back down her neck.
I wanted for everyone else to disappear so that I could get lost inside of her & make love to her the way she deserved to be made love to.
I wanted her to want me in that way too. I wanted her to yearn for me & beg for me not to stop as we both came together & the earth parted its way into the heavens.
Tonight was a nice surprise all of the way around for me. She took control & ordered for both of us. She looked deep into my eyes in ways that made me shy & nervous. “This is it!” I thought, “maybe she does have feelings for me afterall” I mean, of course she did, we had been getting closer & closer & on occasion the tension was there in the silence as we would exchange glances or casually touch in passing. She had to feel it too!” I told myself, as the music played behind us & the crowd flowed in & out. The buzz was picking up in my head & apparently in hers as we were becoming very into one another. I could feel the fade of reality as I took another pull of my Rum & Coke, her with her Mojito.
“Maybe we should get out of here?” She said almost in a whisper.
I was feeling good & watching her tongue the small stirrer in a desperate attempt for one more hit of that drink & decided maybe she was right. She paid the tab & we made our decent back down to the street where we caught a cab that was hanging out nearby.
By the time we made it home, her head was almost in my lap as she hummed some tune I was unfamiliar with. All I could think about was her head between my thighs & how tired I was of holding myself back. She had been giving me signs all night & now I knew she was ready for me to make a move.
We leaned on one another as we made our way up those damned stairs to the apartment, & once inside, I turned to lock the door.
When I turned around again to face the inside of the apartment, it happened. Mary kissed me! At first it seemed almost accidental but became long & deep & passionate. Her tongue was soft inside of my mouth, & mine a little more firm inside of hers as I took the lead. I placed my hand gently behind her head to keep her from hitting her head on the wall & she pulled me by the belt loop into her. I wrapped my other arm gently around her waist & pulled her even closer. “Check baby” was all I could think. The scent of her mouth coming off of my lips as she let out a slight moan turned me on.
I had been waiting for this for far too long.
Some how we made our way backwards into her room & found our way to her bed despite being locked in each others embrace. I couldn’t believe that this was happening!
I gently pushed her onto her back & began caressing her body. My hands were so grateful at having been let out of their cage that they just wanted to play. I made my way up & down her chest & falling slowly against her stomach as she quivered in nervousness.
I began to slide down further to the hem of her dress before making my ascent back to her breasts. On my way up, I was distracted by her warmth. I stroked her ever so slightly making her jump in anticipation of what was to come.
Somehow in our drunken stuper we had both let our guards down & for a moment I worried that either way this might change things in a way that I wasn’t ready for. I looked up & our eyes met in the moonlight. I was so far away from myself & anything else that I felt like I had already begun making my way inside of her spiritually.
I had never felt anything like this before.
I smiled at her & she smiled an innocent & child like smile at me, that almost begged me to be gentle. She was scared & although I was too, there was a confidence I had never felt before that had come over me.
She was lying on my chest now & had already begun to drift off into whatever field of dreams she escapes to at night.
I quietly sneaked out of her room & left her to slumber. My head was starting to pound as reality of what had just happened set in. I felt like a dirty old man who had just taken advantage of some kid because I didn’t know if what had happened, had happened because of the alcohol or because she truly wanted me as much as I wanted her. Taking a shower seemed to help a little bit, but it wasn’t quite enough. I took a pull from the bottle in my jacket pocket that was still hanging in the closet & lit up a cigarette.
The next morning my Muse was slightly out of sorts.
“What happened last night?” she asked.
“Um, what do you mean?” I answered nervously.
“Well the last thing I remember we were on that roof top”.
“Ugh.” I thought. Here comes the awkwardness. I tried to play along while wondering if she was making up the drunken amnesia or if she was serious. I felt like an asshole.
I told her I had a meeting with my agent & that I’d be gone for the day so if she wanted to, she could take the day off. She seemed confused, but she couldn’t have been anymore confused than I was.
“What in the hell just happened I thought” as I marched down the street with my head dropped toward the pavement. “I had felt such an amazing chemistry last night & she doesn’t remember anything?”
I walked quite a bit, checking out the city & trying to find a way to escape from who I was. I finally decided that I had to go back home & that we needed to have a serious talk.
When I got to the apartment, Mary was reading the paper & listening to some of my old 33′s on the record player.
“Hiya Darlin’!” She said as I entered. I smiled cautiously which captured her attention. “What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong or say something wrong? I’m really sorry if I did anything wrong last night, I just had way too much to drink &…”
“No!” I cut her off. “You didn’t do or say anything wrong” I replied. Everything that happened was completely right, or at least I thought it was.” I started mumbling.
“What do ya mean?” she asked.
“Don’t you remember anything?!” I gasped. “I mean, when we left the bar & took the cab home. Or how you kissed me when I was locking the door?!”
“Kissed you?” She seemed more confused now than ever. She grabbed her head & began to shake back & forth. “I’m so, so, sorry!” she said.
“What do you mean you’re sorry?? Don’t be sorry!” I begged.
“No, I didn’t mean to lead you on & I feel like I made a fool out of myself. Maybe I should just move out.” She said.
“Move out?!” I panicked. “Why do you need to move out? You don’t have to go anywhere. Look just forget what happened last night ok?” I asked as I felt my heart begin to crumble.
“I just don’t think this is going to work much longer darlin’? I made a mistake by leadin’ you on & I just think things will be too awkward from here on out.” She said with disappointment in herself.
“What are you going to do? Where are you going to go?” I pleaded. I had been so accustomed to her being there that I couldn’t imagine the stillness that would haunt me. I had made more paintings & written more stories in the last 6-8 months than I had done in the last 3 years with my ex.
“You are my MUSE!” I proclaimed. “Please don’t leave me!” but I knew it was already too late. She had begun packing her belongings in the other room & no matter what I said, she forged ahead.
The silence that fell over the apartment when she closed the door was deafening. I was alone.
Several days later I received a letter from her explaining that she knew had crossed a line & that she couldn’t stand knowing that she had hurt me. She said that she had never meant to change what we had & she knew that what she had done would inevitably change us.
She had never thought of herself as a lesbian, although she had thought about women a lot, the furthest she had gone was to give lap dances occasionally to the women that had gone to the strip club. Outside of that club she was very shy & reserved.
She said she was going to crash with Kevin for awhile, & that she needed to spend some time focusing on her own career. She hoped we would remain friends, & asked if I could send a few of her things to Kevin’s by taxi.
I was crushed. I hadn’t so much as picked up a paint brush or a pencil since she had left. Infact the only thing I had picked up were bigger & bigger bottles of Rum. I guess deep down, I always feared that this day would come. The only thing now was that I had to make it through the inevitable depression that I knew would follow.
My phone was ringing off the hook. Clients wanting pieces that I had promised a few weeks prior & not been able to finish who were wining & dining me moments before, were now threatening to sue but I couldn’t even get out of bed anymore. I had progressively worse. I suddenly felt like I had the flu or something worse but I was alone & there was no way I could make it to the doctors. Even if I needed help, I wouldn’t get it. I took two pills out of the medicine cabinet & laid down.
For what must’ve been several days I passed in & out of consciousness. I don’t remember leaving the bed at all not even to eat or pee.
I was startled when I opened my eyes & saw Mary standing over me & noticed the tubes coming out of my arms.
“Whu…whu…what happened?” I forced myself to muster.
She smiled a teary smile & kissed me on the forehead. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry!” She said.
“What? What are you talking about?” I managed to get out.
“Shhh don’t talk she said” & squeezed my hand softly. She went on to tell me that there had been some kind of bacteria in the apartment building & that the landlord had tried to call me to let me know. When they couldn’t get me on the phone they had sent the police to make sure the building had been evacuated.
The police heard the radio but couldn’t get me to answer & assumed I wasn’t home.
Since neither a response nor her belongings had never made their way to Kevin’s, Mary decided to see if I was ok. She too had tried knocking but I didn’t answer so she used her key to go in & get her things. She saw me passed out & when I didn’t respond she called 9-1-1.
She rode with the paramedics to the hospital, telling them she was my sister. As she saw me lying there working to save my life she realized that she loved me deeply & always had. But she had let fear consume her. She didn’t want to lose me & was scared to death that I would hurt her. She had never let anyone inside of her the way that I had managed to get inside of her.
She said that when we were apart she hadn’t been able to think of anything other than me either. She had no creativity only depression & the fear of having lost me forever, which scared her more than anything ever had before. When she found me lying there the way that she did, she thought she would never get the chance to know what could have been, & it was exactly what she needed to realize how intense her love for me was. She vowed that if I made it through whatever was wrong, she would never again leave my side because just as she were my muse, I was hers.
Once again, my muse saved me.
