I tried to save her so many times.
I tried to show her that she was beautiful and loved despite the ridicule of jealous kids who were too much of elitists to realize just how special she was. I tried to show her that despite being bruised and battered from the life she had been forced to live that she was more amazing than I was, (which is pretty hard to imagine).
We were sixteen when we met. It was just another hum-drum day in my average American Institution of Education. That’s high school for those of you who don’t get it. I was sitting outside in the middle of the field eating lunch, trying to inconspicuously sneak puffs on the cigarette that was being passed around the circle of rebels that I ran with when I saw her.
She had an aura of free-spiritedness that danced around her. I could see the lights emanating from her soul and I knew that we were destined for each other. I watched her frolic and play with the stray seagulls who liked to steal lunches of unsuspecting victims that often lingered around the courtyard. They too were drawn to her. She moved with a certain charisma that made it look like she was dancing and gliding above the Earth which struck me as peculiar.
I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed this girl and it didn’t seem as though anyone else was bothering to pay attention. I felt this twinge of curiosity as I continued to watch this girl, well after the 1st bell rang to signal the end of our lunch period. My friends had given up on trying to get my attention and had already fled the scene. I felt like my soul had been taken on a journey of sorts and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. I definitely had to know more.
For two or three days, I found myself moving a little faster to get outside than normal. I pulled up a spot under a tree just away from all other life just so I could watch her without being too terribly obvious. This time while she was out dancing around and playing with the birds who seemed to enjoy her company, I noticed that she had left her toboggan cap. It looked as though it was hand knitted and made of a scratchy wool. It was a little eccentric like her and I couldn’t help but to think how lucky I was to have found it for her. I wondered if I should chase her down and give it to her, or if that would be too weird.
On the 4th day, I noticed her talking to some kids that I knew.
On the way back from lunch, I saw a girl named Becky just up ahead of me, that I had seen talking to my dream girl.
“Hey Becky! Wait up!” I quickened my pace to catch up to her. “Becky!”
“Hey Nikki”, she said with a friendly smile on her face. “What’s up?”
“Not much.” I said while trying to catch my breath. “I just wanted to ask you a question.”
“Sure, what do you need to know?” She happily obliged.
“Well, umm…there’s this girl that I saw you talking to outside. She was the one playing with the sea gulls and hacky-sackers.” I said.
“Which one?” she asked.
“Um, short girl, brownish blonde hair. Wearing the army green sweater? I think she’s new here.” I replied nervously. I didn’t want to seem too eager at obtaining this information. What if Becky suspected something and word got out that I liked this girl? There’s nothing more terrifying to a sixteen year old lesbian in the south.
“Oh you mean Danielle? What about her?” she asked.
“Danielle? Is that her name?” I could feel the heat in my face as my eyes lit up with excitement.
Luckily Becky was fumbling through her backpack looking for last nights homework as we approached our Math class, so she was too distracted to notice.
“Yeah. Why Nik? What’s up?”
“Oh. Nothing. I just found something of hers, and wanted to give it to her, but I didn’t know her name and felt kind of weird walking up to her like that. So, how do you two know each other? I asked.
“She’s lab partner in my Chemistry class” she said. “She seems pretty nice. She just moved here from New Jersey. I don’t know too much about her other than that though. Whatever you have of hers, I can give back to her for you, if you want.” Becky said.
“Oh no. I’ll give it to her tomorrow when I see her.” I replied.
With that we took our seats. I have no idea what we did in class that day or what the homework was, because all I could think about was Danielle. I wanted to know her and I was determined that tomorrow would be the day!
The next morning as I smoked a cigarette waiting for the school bus to get there, I could feel the nerves as my stomach fluttered in anticipation. I had never been so nervous in all of my life! I tried to focus during class for the next couple of hours until it was time for lunch, but I don’t think I heard a single word anyone said to me. All I could see was Danielle’s face and the way her smile seemed to emit rays of sunshine. She could easily be the center of my universe!
When the lunch bell rang, I stood up and found my feet almost glued to the ground. I couldn’t move. I kept telling myself to be cool. Here I was, this rebellious punk rock/riot grrrl, who didn’t give a shit about what people thought, terrified to even say hello to someone.
I took a deep breath and began putting one foot in front of the other. You’Danielle have thought I was on way to meet the executioner the way I was moving. “Left. Right. Left. Right.” was all I could think.
I grabbed a bottle of water out of the vending machine as the butterflies became jujitsu champions inside of my gut. When I got to the door I almost turned around to puke. This wasn’t going to be easy.
I finally made it outside to see some of my friends standing against the wall already lighting up their nicoteen sticks and of course their eyes were fixed on her. It seemed suddenly that everyone was watching Danielle as they talked amongst themselves. She was like the lunchtime entertainment in a way. Maybe I wasn’t crazy and this girl really did have rays of light streaming from her skin.
“She sure is beautiful,” I thought to myself. I put my stuff down against the shade tree which had been my recent retreat and made up my mind that it was now or never.
At first her back was facing me as I began to walk up so, I called out her name to get her attention. She whirled around and flashed a pearly white smile that shined brighter than her aura. If she was the sun, I was now in her gravitational pull. I was mesmerized as I floated toward her, almost forgetting my nervousness and reason for being there to begin with.
“Hi.” She said.
“Hi…” I replied. “Um..you don’t know me, but um…my uh my name is Ni-”
“Nicky, right?” She asked.
“Um, yeah. Wow. How’Danielle you know that?” I replied in wonderment.
“I’ve been checking you out!” She said.
“What? You’ve been checking me out?”
“Yeah silly. You just seem so, I dunno. Mysterious!” She laughed.
I laughed too. “Well, to be honest,” I said “I’ve been checking you out a bit too.” I smiled nervously.
“I um, I found your hat the other day, and I wanted to give it back to you. It seemed like something that would be important.” I continued.
“Then it worked!” She laughed some more.
“What worked?” I asked. I’m quite clueless sometimes.
“Me leaving my hat. I was hoping that some Knight in Shining Armor would save me” She replied.
I was so confused. She told me that she had seen me sitting under the tree every day and she had hoped that by leaving the hat behind that maybe I would see it and it would give us a reason to meet. Damn she’s good!
We spent the rest of lunch getting to know each other. She told me she was bisexual and didn’t care too much for the people she had met here so far. She said they were just so different from the people back home. I knew exactly what she meant. I had transferred here from Arizona just a few years before and although I had adapted it wasn’t quite the same. They all seemed so falsely confident and arrogant. Most of them were actually quite insecure but just taught not to show their weaknesses.
When the bell rang, I felt this sorrow at having to leave my new friend behind. She seemed to feel the same as she gave me a hug and thanked me for being her “Knight in Shining Armor”.
“That’s it!” I thought as I floated down the hall. I don’t think I will ever return to Earth.
From that day on, we meshed and clicked and decided that we would be girlfriends. It was so awesome to have my first real already out of the closet, no need to sneak around, kind of girlfriend. I was so proud of being a part of her world and her to be apart of mine. I watched guys fall all over themselves for her and then watched their faces drop when she told them she was mine.
It was such a wonderful feeling of fulfilling a revenge order that I wasn’t even aware I had ordered. All those times of jock boys, surfer burnouts, and those preppy ass rich kids had called me a dyke or made fun of me was coming back to haunt them.
We sat in the field together, with the seagulls and read poetry and drew pictures or wrote notes to each other and exchanged them in the halls between classes. We had finally planned to go out on a real date until she told me she needed to talk to me. She said that she had to go home for a week or so because her mom was coming home. I wasn’t sure where she was coming home from. I thought her mom was here with her. Then she told me that she didn’t want to tell me before, because she didn’t know how I’d react. but that her mom was a drug addict who had been in prison for the last 2 &1/2 years. Danielle had been taken away from her home and was living in foster care. The folks she was staying with now were her 3rd set of foster parents.
I couldn’t imagine a girl as wonderful as her ever having gone through so much. My folks kicked the shit out of me nightly, but I couldn’t imagine living in foster care. She told me it wasn’t that bad, but that she really missed her mom. I would’ve missed mine too had she have been in prison. She told me that she had to postpone our date, but that she would call me later and while she was gone she would make me something special.
I told her that although I was disappointed, I totally understood and to have a safe trip.
Before she left for the airport, my lady mate called me and told me that she would miss me. She told me that no matter what she was just happy that we had spent so many wonderful days together. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean so I said “Me too” and wished her a safe trip before hanging up the phone. Despite the promises to call each day, she didn’t call at all again after that.
Monday morning, I was moody. I had no real reason, just that the sun wasn’t shining and everything around me seemed so dark suddenly. I knew there was a chance that Danielle and I wouldn’t be able to chat so I wasn’t too bugged about that. Something just wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.
By the time we reached the school, I felt like I was ready to kick someones ass though I had tried really hard to shake it off. “Weird!” I thought.
I waited in our usual spot but Danielle wasn’t there. I waited until the last bell rang and that cranky ass principal walked by pointing at her watch. “I know, I know” I said.
I ran to class and sneaked in just before my teacher arrived. Thank God for crappy copiers ‘eh?
I spent the rest of the morning in this funk and trying to figure out where my dream girl was. I thought she would be here today but I guess not.
At lunch time I sat with my friends again for the first time in three months
“Daaaamn stranger!” They teased. “We didn’t know if we’Danielle ever see your face again.”
“Shut up” I said cheering up.
“What’s up with you two love birds?” Daryl asked.
“I dunno. Nothing really” I replied.
“Yeah right! Everytime I see you, you’ve got that same stupid ass grin on your face.” Taylor said.
“Nah” I said trying to hide the feeling of shock I had running through my mind. I didn’t know I had been so obvious. This group of friends were the only ones who knew I was a Lesbian and the only ones I had planned to tell.
By the end of the day, I hadn’t heard anything from Danielle and had become worried. The bus ride home seemed a bit to take forever. When I finally got there, I went straight to the phone and dialed her number.
“Is Danielle there?” I asked at the first sign of a human being on the other end of the line.
“Who’s this?” The man asked.
“Nick..uh Nicole, sir.” I replied politely. We had met one time before and I hoped he would remember me.
“Ahh Nicole,” He said. “We met before didn’t we?” He asked.
“Yes, sir. A few weeks ago at your home.” I responded a bit sheepishly. Her foster dad was a very nice man although he was a bit intimidating to say the least.
“Yeah, I thought so.” He said, “Well, she’s not here. She’s still in New Jersey. My wife had to drive all the way up there to go pick her up last night. Seems she got into a bit of trouble.”
“Oh. I’m sorry about that sir.” I replied. Trouble? I couldn’t imagine it.
Danielle finally showed up in school Wednesday morning. She seemed different. I asked her if she was ok but she snapped at me. “Yeah, I’m fine.” was all I could get out of her.
During social studies I wrote her a letter and asked her what was up. I told her that I was really glad she was back and that if there was something wrong, she could tell me.
At lunch, she seemed a little better. While I was getting my usual bottle of H2O she kissed me on the cheek and handed me a response letter all in one motion as she continued on outside. I stopped in the midst of the crowd and read it.
Dear Gorgeous,
Hi baby! Sorry for being short with you earlier. I’m also sorry for not calling you
the way I promised to, but my grandmother didn’t have long distance and I didn’t
have any money to go to a pay phone. I got to hang out with some of my old friends
from home which I haven’t done since all of this trouble with my mom started.
What did you do? I missed you a lot and told all my friends about what an amazing
girlfriend I have. They didn’t believe me until I showed them the pictures we took
in that photo booth. I made you something, but you have to come outside to get it!
Forever yours,
D
There were hearts all over the paper and it smelled like her. Maybe there really hadn’t been anything wrong, though I still hadn’t had a chance to find out what kind of trouble she had been in. When I got outside she pulled out this gift wrapped package for me. It was a small box that contained a photo album with pictures from our relationship so far and a small velvet bag that had a rock inside of it. The pictures were just goofy little things that had to do with us. Each page was a different memory that we had created together so far, except the last one, which was of her in NJ with a handmade sign saying “Wish you were here”.
“What’s the rock for?” I asked.
“I found it below the shade tree where you used to always sit and watch me” she said. “I have one from there too, it is a token of my love for you.” she grinned.
This was the best and most thoughtful gift I had ever received. I decided to drop the issues of earlier and just be content with the way things were. She had said she loved me and all I could hear were cries of “Hallelujah” from inside of my head. It was as if my heart had a direct link to hers and I was given permission to “plug in” and feel the spirit from within.
I couldn’t have been anymore happy then I was at that moment. Unfortunately for me, that happiness would be short lived.
I always knew that Danielle was an eccentric character. That’s what drew me into her orbit to begin with. My hobbies had become less of my own and more about being with her and watching her, studying her, loving her, needing her, breathing her. I was as close to obsessed with her as I could be without needing a restraining order.
There were little ticks though that she had, I guess I just dismissed them because I figured that everyone has quirks and ticks don’t they? Occasionally she would go from full steam ahead to drained or vice versa. I also chalked that up to the demons that must be in her head. She rarely talked about her mom and did her best to be the happiest person on earth. So long as she could be herself, she was happy. She was like a bird that couldn’t be caged, or a butterfly that had to be able to spread its wings. She had A.D.D. And was sometimes quite scatter-brained and all over the place. She took a lot of different medicines. I tried to keep up without being too in her business. She kept them in a small tin that looked like it was from the Victorian Era. It was her pill box and went everywhere she went. When she would start to become distant or distracted, she pulled out her “Happy Pills” as she called them and within 15 minutes she’d be on the road to happiness again.
I knew she had battles with depression and anxiety and at sixteen so does everyone else, so I didn’t think much of it. Once in awhile I would ask her about the pills but she always changed the subject or told me not to worry.
Two months after her giving me the photo album, she told me that she had to return back to NJ to see her mom again. She was going up for another week which I didn’t know if I could take. I wasn’t used to having to be without her. We were inseparable these days. We would tell our parents we were spending the night with each other and go out to this old field where we had build a home of sorts. I had brought a tent there and little by little we built a fort around it to keep ourselves hidden. No one else even seemed to know that that place existed. I had found it years ago when I was a kid. I used to hide out there when the rest of the world would piss me off, and I had shared it with Danielle so it could be our place, but now she was leaving me for a week! What in the hell would I do for a whole week without her??
The week dragged along slowly. By the end of it though, I was growing increasingly excited about seeing her again. I couldn’t wait to hold her and feel her sweet lips against mine. It was all I could think about. We had managed to talk a few times, because this time I was smart enough to buy her a phone card so that she could call me whenever she wanted to. She told me that she couldn’t wait to see me either.
She had asked her foster parents if I could ride with them to the airport to pick her up. They arrived at my house at 8am. I had been ready for over an hour pacing back and forth with nervousness. By 8:45, we were standing at the terminal watching the loads of people on her flight come down the ramp one by one. Finally she turned the corner and with a big grin she was on her way closer to me. I had to try to control my excitement as her foster parents didn’t know that we were anything more than just best friends. When, all I really wanted to do was pick her up and whisk her away to our hideout and spend the rest of our lives getting lost in each others eyes.
By 10:30 we were at her place and she was unpacking. When we had finally had the chance to be alone, she pushed me down on the bed and got on top of me. There was something different about her again. Although she was in a good mood and mostly herself, her eyes looked strange. She had darkening circles and looked as though she had lost some weight. She must’ve noticed the way I was looking at her because she asked me what was wrong.
“Nothing.” I said, trying to play off my concern. “I’m just so happy to see you.”
“Hrm. You don’t look happy baby.” She replied.
“No, I am! The week just seemed to last forever, and I can’t believe you’re here again” I lied.
She studied my face for a minute and smiled, satisfied with my answer and kissed me long and hard. When I reached up to put my arms around her she winced.
“What’s wrong?” I said.
“Nothing… “ now she was lying and I knew it. “Let’s just get out of here ok?” She asked.
“Sure!” I said. “Want to go to our place?” I asked.
“Yeah.” she smiled.
A little while later we were in our home and lying next to one another. She was still wrapped up pretty tight under layers of clothing. It had been cool out but not cold.
“Why don’t you take off your jacket and stay awhile” I joked.
“No. it’s ok.” She said.
“Is everything ok?” I asked.
“Yeah, why are you making such a big fucking deal out of it?” she demanded.
“Woah. Wait., what?” I asked.
“Nothing. I’m sorry.” She said.
I was confused. The moodiness and dark circles told me she hadn’t been sleeping well. “Why don’t we just lie here and rest for a bit?” I asked. “I didn’t sleep too well knowing you were so far away ya know?” I said.
“No. I want to go somewhere.” She snapped.
“Well, ok. Where do you want to go?” I asked.
“I just need to get out of here!” She snapped again. I had noticed that she was scratching her arms a lot.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked her.
“NUH-THING!” She said firmly.
“Can you come here please?” I asked her. “Can you just come give me a hug?”
“ugh” she sighed. I just want to get out of here.”
This definitely wasn’t her usual self. She was never moody like this. Depressed, yes. Bitchy, no.
“Ok, ok” I said. I moved closer to her and she flinched. I couldn’t help notice her over reactive reactions to me. “Did I do something wrong?” I asked.
“No. ok? You didn’t do anything wrong. My parents didn’t do anything wrong. There IS nothing wrong.”
I didn’t believe her but decided to drop it for now. “Where do you want to go?” I asked.
“Anywhere.” She said almost in relief.
We got into my 1980 VW Golf and headed down the highway. I wasn’t sure where we were going but I thought maybe she just needed to unwind.
She had actually taken off her jacket and seemed to relax just outside of town.
“Left or Right?” I asked. We would sometimes go on these adventures where I would drive and randomly just ask her which direction to turn. She would pick a direction and we would go. Sometimes we would get lost for hours just listening to music and enjoying the ride together. We always managed to find neat little spots to stop at. She loved thrift stores and roadside stands. I of course just loved her company.
“Left.” She said. I made a left, and she reached over to change the radio station. As she did, I happen to look over and see bruises on her arms. I didn’t know what to think so I pulled over at the next available parking lot.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
I took a moment to gather my thoughts.
“D. I love you. I love everything about you, but I know something happened to you in NJ. There’s something different about you. About us. You snapped at me out of nowhere, you have flinched when I’ve gone to touch you or get close to you, and now I see you have bruises on your arms. What in the hell is going on?” I pleaded to know. I wanted her to know she could talk to me and that I would be there for her no matter what the issue was. If someone had hurt her, I would drive up there and beat their ass with a baseball bat myself!
She got quiet and lowered her head. “It’s nothing ok.?” She begged. “Please believe me!”
“No.” I protested. “I want to know what happened up there.”
She looked like she was either really furious or about to cry, I couldn’t tell which. Then she got out of the car and started walking away.
I sat there for a few seconds unsure of what had just happened and not sure if I should go after her or just wait for her to come back. I decided to go after her. I ran as quickly as I could to catch up to her but boy was she moving! When I finally reached her, I grabbed her arm and turned her around into me. I grabbed her into a hug and held her as she cried.
“I did something stupid,” she finally admitted.
“What baby? What?” I asked.
“I shot up.” she blurted out.
“Shot up? What do you mean you shot up?” I asked
“You know,” She said. “I used heroin. I mean, I’ve done it before, but I’ve never shot up before” she began.
“What?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, sure we’d smoked pot together and drank together but never would I have imagined this beautiful creature before me, voluntarily putting any kind of hard core drug in her system like that.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked.
“No. I mean, I’ve done X a bunch of times with some of my old friends. I mean, we used to do it all the time and it was no big deal, but this shit. Man, this shit made me so sick. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” she said.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her. How could you sit through one single DARE class and not think it would be that bad, I thought to myself.
“I know you’re probably going to be pissed off and I don’t want this to change anything between us.” She continued. “It has nothing to do with you anyway.”
“Wait a minute!” I snapped. “How could you say that my girlfriend shooting up has nothing to do with me?” I asked.
“Well, it’s over. Ok? I’m not going to do it again so don’t worry.” she turned on the charm to try to console me but it wasn’t going to work.
“Look, I’m all about having a good time and your body is your body, but that’s one drug that I would never want in my life. I had a friend who went down that road and off’ed himself because of it. And I don’t want to lose you too” I protested.
She looked deep into my eyes and began to cry.
“You really do love me, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.” I said.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m really sorry. I won’t do it again. I promise.” She tilted her head and put her lips against mine. We held each other in this embrace for a long time. My head was whirling over the idea of her being smacked out in a house full of druggies and no one giving a shit about themselves much less her, and it really pissed me off. Who the hell were these other people anyway and how dare they get her to do such a stupid drug.
“I don’t feel so good” she announced. “can we go back to our place?”
“Of course.” I said. And led her back to the car.
When we got in the car I noticed she was burning up.
“Maybe I should take you home?” I asked. “No. I don’t want to be with them. I want to be with you.” she replied weakly.
When I got her back to our place, I cleared off the bed inside of the tent, and lay her across it. I tried to help her undress a little because her clothes were soaked from sweat. Now I was more worried than ever.
